Attn: Washington is Going Bananas


Chiquita is shifting their focus from using their banana influence to derail Mario and his Kart to throwing the brakes on legislation that would aid 9/11 victims. Over the past year, Chiquita has spent approximately $780,000 on lobbying efforts in order to prevent the passing of the Justice Against Sponsors of Terrorism Act, a bill designed to “ensure an individual’s right to seek personal accountability from those who finance any act of terrorism on American soil.” As it stands now, terrorism financiers are able to escape from any liability as long as the groups they funded are outside of US borders.

But why would Chiquita have any hand to play in this matter? It’s not like the Chiquita Banana Girl has been secretly hiding weapons of mass destruction in her bowl of fruit all these years… or has she? Times like these are when I miss Bush’s “Act First, Think Later,” policy.

Well, between 1997 and 2004, the Chiquita Corporation gave $1.7 million in payments to the United Self-Defense Forces of Columbia (AUC), a group known for drug trafficking and mass murder. I guess I would try branching out too if I had to deal with fruit on a daily basis; just pepper in some massacres, and you have yourself an interesting day.

While already having paid a $25 million fine for their large donations, with the passage of JASTA, Chiquita would be splitting their peels with the possibility of facing charges for the acts of terrorism and murder committed by the AUC.

Chiquita claims that their payments were in response to extortions made by the terrorist organization. This is what happens when your mascot is a girl with a bowl of fruit on her head; terrorist organizations think they can walk all over you.

The JASTA bill currently sits with the House Judiciary Committee, which is chaired by Representative Bob Goodlatte. Hopefully, Representative Goodlatte will be unbiased in his decision-making and see how this bill will positively imp- nope, Chiquita got to him. Damn.

This past month Goodlatte announced that he would not be supporting passage of the JASTA bill; just another example of how money, corporations, and fruit terrorists are ruining America.

So put down your bananas America and pick-up a cheeseburger. It’s time to show Chiquita what a America is all about: heart disease and political freedom.