Kids and Lead Toys

This video is about the American Chemistry Council and how they “care” about our nation’s kids.


Attn: The Golden Shower of American Politics


Republican or Democrat – those are the two parties that you have to choose from. How is it that a melting pot of cultures has boiled itself down to a choice of two options? It is strange how when you take a mixture of Hispanic, African, Chinese, and countless other ethnicities, shake-it up, and strain, you are left with mostly rich white men dominating the political playing field.

The two-party system has lead to a partisan divide where even the simplest task cannot be accomplished. I even heard rumor of the bathrooms on Capital Hill removing the Men and Women signs in favor of ones based on party affiliation. It’s only a matter of time until we have Republican-Only water fountains.

Due to these partisan-lines, we have now witnessed the most inefficient congress in American political history.

Politicians would reject passing a piece of legislation that would cure cancer if it would benefit the guys sitting on the other side of the aisle. The easy solution to partisan problems is reverse psychology. For example, if Democrats wanted to legalize gay marriage, all they truly had to do was openly oppose it. Republicans would be all over gay marriage like Steve on Rick.

But why did a system that was intended to be “for the people, by the people” turn into “you can choose Option A, or you can choose Option B.” What if there is an Option C that is truly a better candidate than the Republican or Democratic candidates? How is it that when it is time to vote for our representative, the ballot resembles a wedding RSVP? Why are we told to choose between chicken and fish?

A main cause of this is that the money that is currently flooding the streets of Washington is leaving the smaller, less-financially endowed candidates gasping for air. The struggling single mother of two doesn’t have the money to afford clarinet lessons and a nation-wide advertisement campaign.

Republicans and Democrats are in a political space race trying to outspend the other. While the candidates who aligned themselves with either the Republican or Democratic Party are busy using their campaign contributions to build a space station, the other candidates are stuck looking through a telescope and trying desperately to launch a monkey into space.

In this day and age of technological advancements, we shouldn’t have to be exposed to a political shouting match that leaves some voices unheard. Politicians shouldn’t have to use a big budget to convince us that they are the worthy candidates for office; their policies should speak for themselves.

Unfortunately though, Washington is embroiled in one big pissing contest, and “we the people” are the ones truly on the receiving end of that golden shower. And since PACs are constantly pouring money into the elections, these politicians stay hydrated.

Zip up your pants Washington. The pissing contest stops now. And remember, if you shake it more than twice, you’re playing with it.

Attn: Votes Are Cheap And For Sale


Apparently all it takes to buy a vote is $200 and a shoddy congressman. But I bet if that congressman would have put on a nice dress and some lipstick, he could’ve charged more.

Who is this congressman of the night who turned on his red light for some financial foreplay? It would be none other than Representation Vance McAllister. In a recent interview, McAllister detailed how he chose to vote in opposition to a Bureau of Land Management bill because the environmentalist supporters were not the highest bidder; if only McAllister took payment in the form of hemp necklaces and haikus.

What’s most unsettling about this news is how McAllister sought advice from a fellow congressman whose recommendation resembles a rudimentary math equation. This means that this is not just an issue of one dumb congressman putting legislation up for sale, it’s an entire neighborhood yard sale of dumb congressmen coming together to hawk off their votes.

It does not matter how much money or incentives they present you with, there is one fundamental truth that every politician should know: Politics Is Not For Sale

There is no price tag that can be affixed upon the ‘one person, one vote’ democracy that men and women have lost their lives to preserve. To disregard your moral compass and make your decisions based on personal incentives is to wash away all the sacrifices that have gone into crafting our great nation’s political landscape.



Attn: You Say Potato, I Say Politics


Since the introduction of WebMD, everyone thinks they’re an expert. The newest MDs on the block? Potato lobbyists.

A fight between these lobbyists and nutrition experts has been baking in the oven since 2005 over the exclusion of the potato from the list of approved items on the WIC food program. These potato lobbyists have not bent on this issue, probably due to their highly starched suits. The WIC program currently provides its 8.7 million users, primarily women and children, access to essential supplemental nutrition such as milk, eggs, and infant formula.

While independent nutrition experts at the Institute of Medicine have stated that women and children are receiving enough starch in their diets, the potato lobbyists have the tater tots to disagree; they know what your family truly needs, and they just also happen to be the ones that sell it.

Critics might state the lobbyists are only using their influence to get on the approved WIC items list in order to serve as a marketing tool. And critics might also state that allowing for this special-interest group to lobby their way into legislation might open the floodgates for a democracy that resembles some hybrid of eBay and Grinder where poor decision-making leads to painful outcomes. Finally, critics might say Senator Susan Collins is only spearheading the inclusion of the potato on the WIC due to a conflict of interests since she represents the potato-rich state of Maine.

And critics should say all of those things.

We should be disgusted to live a “democracy” where the nutritional needs of our nation’s women and children can be overshadowed by the influence of lobbyists whose only goal is to profit.



Attn: Washington is Going Bananas


Chiquita is shifting their focus from using their banana influence to derail Mario and his Kart to throwing the brakes on legislation that would aid 9/11 victims. Over the past year, Chiquita has spent approximately $780,000 on lobbying efforts in order to prevent the passing of the Justice Against Sponsors of Terrorism Act, a bill designed to “ensure an individual’s right to seek personal accountability from those who finance any act of terrorism on American soil.” As it stands now, terrorism financiers are able to escape from any liability as long as the groups they funded are outside of US borders.

But why would Chiquita have any hand to play in this matter? It’s not like the Chiquita Banana Girl has been secretly hiding weapons of mass destruction in her bowl of fruit all these years… or has she? Times like these are when I miss Bush’s “Act First, Think Later,” policy.

Well, between 1997 and 2004, the Chiquita Corporation gave $1.7 million in payments to the United Self-Defense Forces of Columbia (AUC), a group known for drug trafficking and mass murder. I guess I would try branching out too if I had to deal with fruit on a daily basis; just pepper in some massacres, and you have yourself an interesting day.

While already having paid a $25 million fine for their large donations, with the passage of JASTA, Chiquita would be splitting their peels with the possibility of facing charges for the acts of terrorism and murder committed by the AUC.

Chiquita claims that their payments were in response to extortions made by the terrorist organization. This is what happens when your mascot is a girl with a bowl of fruit on her head; terrorist organizations think they can walk all over you.

The JASTA bill currently sits with the House Judiciary Committee, which is chaired by Representative Bob Goodlatte. Hopefully, Representative Goodlatte will be unbiased in his decision-making and see how this bill will positively imp- nope, Chiquita got to him. Damn.

This past month Goodlatte announced that he would not be supporting passage of the JASTA bill; just another example of how money, corporations, and fruit terrorists are ruining America.

So put down your bananas America and pick-up a cheeseburger. It’s time to show Chiquita what a America is all about: heart disease and political freedom.



Attn: No Sleep Till Crooklyn


Great news from New York! It was recently discovered that Brooklyn’s former District Attorney, Charles Hynes, took it upon himself to donate money seized from criminals back to a local non-profit organization: Charlie Hynes’ re-election campaign. I guess Brooklyn should reconsider having the District Attorney and Police Department share a joint bank account.

The 27-page report that illuminated Hynes’ poor money handling skills also shined a light on his improper relationship with Judge Barry Kamins. Judge Kamins would routinely give Hynes advice on matters such as where to take his wife for their honeymoon, how to throw the perfect football spiral, and also how to stack a panel that was investigating wrongful imprisonments with his supporters, possibly leading to innocent men and women being thrown behind bars.

This is what happens when politicians binge watch Breaking Bad and House of Cards.


Attn: The 99% Desperately Need A Car

ImageWell apparently the 99% needed to stretch their legs after the occupy movements. An organization called 99Rise has embarked on a 480-mile long “March for Democracy” in an effort to increase awareness on the corrupting influence money is having on the American political landscape.

When asked about his decision to make such a long trek, Forrest Gump stated that he had never heard of the “March for Democracy.”

The members of this grassroots organization base their stance on the “one person, one vote” model that strives to reclaim democracy for the people.

After achieving campaign finance reform, I assume the next goal for 99Rise is saving up money for a car.

For more information on 99Rise and their “March for Democracy” please visit http://www.marchfordemocracy.org/

Attn: Maine Citizens Hungry For Something They Can’t Dip In Butter


Hopefully the people of Maine can take a moment to put down their lobsters and use their buttery hands to sign a very important petition. A group called “We The People Maine,” took to the streets yesterday in over 100 locations throughout the state in search of signatures on a petition calling for a constitutional amendment. The proposed amendment would insure that corporations are not “people” and money is not a protected form of speech under the First Amendment.

“We The People Maine,” is a local arm of the larger organization, “Move to Amend,” that is hoping to garner national support for their amendment. Some individuals, like David Crocker, director of the Center for Constitutional Government, a conservative advocacy group, have criticized the movement by saying that it goes too far to “strip corporations of their constitutional rights.”

However, when we look at why constitutional amendments were adopted and put into places, they were done so to protect the people of this great nation. Corporations are not people and it is not political speech they are looking for, it is political influence. The people that compose corporations deserve just as much influence as everybody else: one vote.

While the executives at Wal-Mart might ensure that I get the best deals on crappy products I never needed, there is no price tag that they can put on the American political landscape that we all need and we all deserve.

If you would like to learn more and sign the “Move to Amend” petition, please go to https://movetoamend.org/




Attn: Senators Are Getting Paid So Fracking Much


Due to intense pressure from Western States Petroleum Association, Chevron, and Occidental Petroleum, in addition to other oil companies, the California State Senate failed to pass Bill 1132. This bill would have prohibited the practice of hydraulic and acid fracturing until the government could complete a study into its impacts on environmental and human health.

So why would any senator in their right mind vote against a bill that would determine possible negative side effects of fracking? It might have something to do with the fact that senators voting “NO” or abstaining to vote on Bill 1132 received 14 times more money in campaign contributions from the oil and gas industry than those choosing to vote in favor of it.

Big oil companies are like teenagers: they don’t care about the repercussions as long as they get to frack. While teenagers’ fracking might cause an itchy crotch the morning after prom, hydraulic and acid fracking has caused over 1,000 documented cases of sensory, respiratory, and neurological damage after individuals have ingested contaminated water. Oh yeah, and in rare cases it has lead to small earthquakes.